So, I must’ve been bitten by the blog bug or something this week. I’ve been posting a new blog everyday and people who follow my blog know that this is out of the norm for me. I suppose it’s good…..writing my thoughts helps me get them out of my head and helps make things a little clearer for me. I’ve also got LOTS on my mind these days so there is much to write about, think through, and process.
I guess I’ll start with the first thing on my mind (warning guys: this post is really gonna be more of a public diary and rant than anything substantial..you’ve been warned..if you choose to stick around more power to ya haha). Ok, so the first thing that’s been on my mind today is the question “Does depression ever REALLY go away?”
I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life, and although I wouldn’t say that I am depressed in my life now, I do have my bouts every now and then with sadness. (actually sadness and loneliness, they seem to go together) And today is one of those days where I’m feeling a little bit sad, and a little bit lonely. Because I’ve experienced depression for most of my life, I think every time I’m sad I automatically label it as depression, and as I’m writing this I’m realizing that they are different, that I’m not depressed, and that sadness is not a permanent thing. It’s an emotion that we all experience every now and then, and knowing that makes me think “What’s so bad about sadness really?” Sure I’m sad now, but tomorrow is a new day and things will start over. So I’m sad now and that’s okay, I’ll be sad, but then I’ll get over it. So I guess it doesn’t last forever, but I will experience sadness and sad things throughout my life, and that’s just something I’ll have to accept without letting the sadness define or overtake me.
The next thing on my heart is that I’m feeling a little overwhelmed and anxious about life in general. I’m also a little scared. As I mentioned in my vlog (click here to view) I recently made the decision to get out of a situation that I’ve been involved in for the last 5 years. It was a situation that I know it was time to leave, but now that I’m out I’m kind of uncertain about where to go from here. Don’t get me wrong, I know i made the right decision in leaving, but leaving the safety net of the familiar is a scary place to be, and I cant help but doubt myself sometimes when things don’t seem to be falling in place. I get scared that I made the wrong decision, scared that things wont fall into place, and ultimately I’m scared that I’ll be disappointed. My only hope is that the same God who led me to leave, will lead me to the new place that he has destined for me. I trust Him and I guess I just need to muster up some more courage and just wait for him to make things clear.
Also, a new semester in school has started and I’m more than intimidated by the Statistics class I’m taking. Not only that but beginning in January I will need to find a job and I have no clue how I’m going to balance my intense school schedule and work. And overall, I just don’t want to get lost in the shuffle. I don’t want to become so busy that I lose myself. I don’t want to become so consumed with finding my way, that I get lost.
Sigh. Crazy Day. So many thoughts. The good thing about all of this is that I finally understand that rooftop scene in Eat, Pray, Love, only instead of missing someone, the thing I’m letting go is sadness. Hope you all are having a better day.