This is a question that I woke up pondering Saturday morning. If I didn’t HAVE to be a certain way….for example, If I didn’t HAVE to be christian (meaning holy, saved, and sanctified), then who would I choose to be? Who am I once all the restrictions, and chains, and laws are cast aside. Who is Krystal really?
To understand what I really mean I’ll have to fill you in on the context and what was happening at that exact moment when I began to think those thoughts.
See, I am what I refer to as a reformed clubaholic haha. Years ago, my friends and I hung out at clubs nearly each and every night.That’s how we got together to have fun. Since then, I’ve definitely stopped clubbing and my life, and values are completely different. I’ve committed my heart to serving God and living a life that pleases Him.
But last week, I really started to miss those old friends.I missed the fun we had. I missed the amazing loyalty and camaraderie of our small group. I missed the constant laughing and I began reminiscing on all the crazy situations and people we met along the way. Soooo….my nostalgia and reminiscing led me to check everyone out on Facebook so that I could see what the old crew was up to. (good ole facebook…always there when you want to spy on people’s lives). And what I found was that yes, everyone still looked like they were having fun, but they also still lived at the club. And seeing the pictures of everyone at the club, seeing the humour and the raunchy jokes that were being laughed at…all of that just made me realize……I don’t think I WANT to live in this type of darkness. I don’t think that raunchiness is really me.
Now that capitalized “want” is a big deal for me. I think part of the problem in my spiritual journey has been that although the intention of my heart (which is to be a pleasing daughter to God) has been pure, I’ve also been playing the part. I’ve stopped doing things simply because someone has said they are wrong. I’ve been following formulas and patterns of what a good christian girl looks like, but I’ve never really resolved issues in my heart. Never really silencing the religious mentalities, silencing the rules…and taking time to hear…who is Krystal…deep inside.
Now…..this is where things can get a little tricky because I know some people will read this and take it to mean that I’m advocating some type of lawless, carefree, “live how I wanna” attitude. But that’s not what I’m saying. All I’m saying is that its okay to check inside your heart, and make certain that you are secure in the choices you made to be whoever you are.
This is where I’m at….I’m examining my heart, and really digging deep and figuring this thing out. I invite you to do the same, and please comment and share your process or any thoughts that you may have.
So in closing, I ask you, “Who would you be, if the restraints were thrown off, and you could choose who you were at each turn of your life. If you didn’t HAVE to be a certain way….who would you be?”