Week in Review (April-May 7)

So much has happened these past 3 weeks. This is entitled a week in review post but it’s actually WEEKS in review. I stopped writing these a while back out of sheer laziness and a refusal to really think through the processes that I was going through. But now I know myself, and I know that by stopping my writing I’m really doing myself an injustice. If I really want to chronical the process of coming into personal freedom then I’ve got to write about it. That includes on my good days, bad days, days when I don’t understand what’s going on in my life, and the days that I feel I’ve got nothing worth listening to, to say.

So…..on April 15th I found out that my brother had a really bad stroke where the right side of his body was paralyzed. Dealing with this has by far, been the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with in my adult life. Of course your optimistic, and of course I trust God, but the reality of these situations is that you really have no clue how these things will work out. I spent a really scary night at the hospital with him one Thursday and honestly that night I didn’t know what would happen or if he would make it through. And everything from these past few weeks ha taught me some valuable lessons

1. God is my ultimate and only strength.
During the times spent crying and worrying about my brother. During the times when “close friends” didn’t come along and support or help…I had only god to comfort me and to go to about what was happening n my life. Crying out to his for strength and courage and then FEELING strength and courage come from Him has been amazing and unbelievable. I’m sooooo thankful that I serve a Hid who hears and go will show up when you need Him.

2.I can’t make you love me if you don’t.
Lol…sounds funny but that is he exact truth that’s been coming from my life when this situation hit. I’m very fortunate for the people around me hat have prayed, and come alongside my family during this situation. But I was particularly shocked when one person that I always held dear to me had no response at all. Their lack of response in this situation combined with years of previous responses and attitudes was really was just the icing on the cake to show me that this person is not as close as I always thought they were. And that’s okay….as much as it hurts to finally and truthfully see the state of the condition of our friendship it’s okay and it’s almost liberating to finally see the truth. I kinda feel like I was living a lie or believing a fairytale again about our closeness. And again it’s okay….I feel liberated and set free because I don’t have to strive any longer to get approval from this person. No more striving….I’m free.
God is the only one that constructed me and as long as he’s pleased I’m okay. He’s been dealing heavily with me about the expectations that I have of people and showing me that I really can’t have expectations because I am not entitled to. I can only accept what people give and love them regardless. And I move on. So I can make you love me if you don’t and I’m okay with that.

3. I also made a very big decision to start praying about some upcoming changes in my life. I won’t disclose the exact changes just because it’s way too early to say anything. But I will say that just the decision to “think” about making this change is huge. Because along with the change I know will come some very negative feedback, but I can’t live my whole life not taking chances because I’m afraid of what other people will think. At the end if the day I just want freedom and theres been one big particular thing that’s caused me to feel very trapped, and in bondage and so I may have to make some changes. Stay tuned.

That is all 🙂

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