It truly is very difficult for me to put into words the magnitude of what has transpired in my heart and life over the past week, but because of this blog, and because I don’t want to forget, I will try my best.
Before I get too deep into what happened over this past week I want to again go over the purpose of this blog. This blog was created to chronicle and document how Godwould be walking me through and bringing me to a place of personal freedom this year. I shared before that for much of my life I’ve been locked within my own prison where fear and worthlessness were the wardens. The passionateand desperate cry of my heart is that I just want to be free!!!!! And because the bondage in my mind exists on so many levels GOD is really the only one that can lead me through this process. He sees the things I don’t see, and he has very interesting ways of teaching us lessons.
So this past week I took a vacation to Orlando, Florida from Friday Feb 24th-Wednesday Feb 29th. I’ll spare you all the minor details of the trip and will just say that it was an amazing time. From the concert, to time spent with friends and family….everything about the trip was GREAT. Yet, in the back of my mind I still found myself feeling guilty for taking the vacation. I kept asking myself questions like, “did God authorize me to take this vacation now?” I was looking for condemnation and LOOKING for a reason to feel guilty, but there was none. My heart was on the right place, I set things in order before I left for vacation, and most importantly I didn’t check out of process and become absent minded and wild just because I was on vacation. So there really was no reason to feel guilty, but almost out of habit I felt like I deserved it and was looking for it. For most of the trip I was able to talk myself out of feeling like I deserved to feel guilty up until Tuesday morning.
Tuesday morning (the day after my fantastic concert) I took a walk, just to reflect on the weekend and have some quiet time. And as I was walking the thoughts of guilt came back to me strongly. As I was walking it was almost as if someone was saying out loud to me “WHO AUTHORIZED YOU TO TAKE THIS VACATION….DID YOU PRAY ABOUT THIS BEFORE YOU DID IT…WHO AUTHORIZED YOU TO TAKE A VACATION”
And as loud as those words of guilt and condemnation we’re…there was something else that said to me immediately “You are free to be happy.
I heard those words….went back to my room…..and broke. I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t hide my tears from my roommate although I wanted to. I was just sooo overwhelmed by God, and by the truth that was exploding in my heart that I AM FREE. I’m still struggling for words to describe exactly all that was happening in my heart, but to give you a better picture I will share a journal entry/letter that I wrote from my heart to Gods ears about that day.
Thank you so much for this weekend. I really don’t even know how to process or understand what has transpired in my heart or what has happened, but I do know it’s called freedom. And I didn’t expect to experience that through a vacation. Who says I should feel guilty over taking time off? Who says my vacation needs to be “authorized”?
I am free to be happy
Not…I’m free because…..
Not…I’m free as a result of…..
Just freedom and happiness. I don’t “need” these chains. I let them go. I let go of the condemnation, the feelings of guilt over taking a vacation, the questions of “was this authorized”, etc. I let go of these chains. I am fee to live. Free to be happy and enjoy the things god has placed imy heart. Free to walk alongside God and partner with Him. I’m free.
That’s it. That’s the truth. That’s the light that I’m gazing into. I didn’t see it before, but gods provision over this weekend, the absen of external condemnation while insid I was expecting it. The way He took care of me and gave me gifts I didn’t expect. Not because I did anything great. I fact, I says waiting for something to go wrong. I was waiting for the condemnation. But it wasn’t there. GOD showed me that it’s okay to enjoy myself, it’s okay to be happy. It’s okay. I deserve it. It’s mine. Embrace it.
Freedom is Free”