Blah.

“Yeah I’m feeling like a vagrant. Lost in a world where no one thinks that we can make it” -Needtobreathe “Tyrant Kings”

I dont know why, but I feel very blah today. Unmotivated, unhappy, and just blah. I know (or rather I think) that it’s just Krystal wanting to succumb to the comfort of a pity party. But I feel kinda down today. It’s hard to Put into words but different things for different reasons just have me feeling kinda blah

-The fact that I was kinda judgmental and critical this weekend.
-I’m upset by the fact that I feel like I represented Christ badly and kinda become a watered down version of Krystal around certain people šŸ˜¦ I feel like I’m still very much a chameleon. Still very much looking for the approval of people. Still uncertain of how to articulate what I truly feel, so rather than trying to feel it out and be authentic, I take the easy road of just blending in šŸ˜¦
-I really do long for close comraderie. Ever since I was little I spent a lot of time imagining this perfect world where I was a famous singer and had 4 great BEST friends (I promise I’m not crazy y’all)….and I still long for that. This weekend I spent a lot of time diving into that world and avoiding reality. Focusing again on what I don’t have, versus what I do. I wish I had close friends that are HERE not far off that could speak encouraging words to me, when those words are so hard for me to hear for myself.
– I’m accepting that in other peoples eyes I may never be great, I may never be anything special, I may never be a favorite…but I’ve still got to walk out confidently the path and road that’s ahead of me.

So those are my reasons for feeling blah today. Funny thing is as I’m writing this, as I’m confronting the reality of my life, my situation and seeing that things may never change for me….I’m wondering is God truly wanting to become that best friend of always sought…seriously. Does he really want to be THAT real, and THAT present in my life.

Hmmmm….food for thought.

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